Beyond the drama of Anne Lister：Part 8

Behind The Door

Anne Lister與巴夫人在房裡的時間越來越久，要說她們的行為沒被別人發覺異樣，我是打死不相信。Anne已經不再滿足於牽牽小手，親親小臉的層級，她要求更直接的肌膚之親。但倆人對於雙方的關係有不同的期望。巴夫人要求正式名份，雖然她不見得能清楚描述那到底是什麼樣的同性婚姻。畢竟觀念太先進了。Anne其實只想要一個情婦，而且是短暫的激情。可憐的巴夫人頻頻招架不住。不過話說回來，她並非不愛這個味。

1824/11/11：I locked the door as usual, then lifted her down and place her on my knee. By & by she said, 's the door fast?' I, forgetting, got up to see, then took her again on my knee & there she sat till four & three quarters, when Mlld de Sans sent to ask if I could receive. [I] told the maid I was sorry, I could not, I had got so bad a headache. The fact was I was heated & in a state not fit to see anyone. 她關上門，將巴夫人拉到膝上．巴夫人擔心門沒關緊，她還起身檢查一次．倆人這樣親密挨著大半個下午．連珊小姐差人問訪，她都推說頭痛不能見客．實際上她正在熱頭上，怎能見人？

I had kissed & pressed Mrs Barlow on my knee till I had had a complete fit of passion. My knees & thighs shook, my breathing & everything told her what was the matter. She said she did me no good. I said it was a little headache & I should go to sleep.　她身軀抽動，呼吸急促，巴夫人當然了解人事，卻半開玩笑，這樣有害健康．Anne順勢說是頭痛，睡一覺就好了．

I then leaned on her bosom &, pretending to sleep, kept pottering about & rubbing the surface of her queer. Then made several gentle efforts to put my hand up her petticoats which, however, she prevented. But she so crossed her legs & leaned against me that I put my hand over & grubbled her on the outside of her petticoats till she was evidently a little excited, & it was from this that Mlld de Sans' maid roused us.她靠在巴夫人胸口裝睡，但手不安份地伸向禁地．巴夫人併攏雙腿努力阻擋，她只好在襯裙外徘徊．巴夫人被勾起幾分興奮，此時正是珊小姐差人在門外問訪．

*研究指出此處的queer，推論是Anne誤植，本意應該是指quim，即女性私處。

Mrs Barlow had once whispered, holding her head on my shoulder, a word or two which, I think, were, 'Do you love me?' But I took no notice, still pretending to be asleep. She afterwards said once or twice, 'It is good to pretend to be asleep,' & the once, while I was grubbling pretty strongly, 'You know you pinch me.' From this she never attempted to escape. 巴夫人倚在她的肩頭，低語問道「最可怕的」問題：「你是否愛我？」她繼續裝睡不回答，努力進攻．巴夫人一會兒抱怨她裝睡，一會兒嬌斥：妳在捏我啊．

Before, when rubbing her in front, she had every now & then held my hand but always let me have it back again. After Mlld de Sans' maid roused us, she [drew] her chair close to the bed. I sat on the bed & partly knelt on one knee so as to have her quite close & she began to reproach herself, saying she was a poor, weak creature & what should I think of her.巴夫人天人交戰，幾次拉走她的手，最後又讓她放回來．珊小姐的僕人離去後，巴夫人把椅子拉近床邊．她則坐在床上單腳微曲，靠近巴夫人．巴夫人開始自責自己怯於面對誘惑．

I protested love & respect. Said it was all my fault & I would be miserable if she waw too severe to herself. Can you not love me on little bit for all the great deal I love you? 她雖然承認錯在自己，但不忘抱怨巴夫人怎能為了保全清譽，而陷她於痛苦之中．為何巴夫人不施予小愛回報她的大愛？

巴夫人面對下午激烈攻防，精力盡失．晚上照例和她相對，但面容憔悴，而且顯露愧色．

她提到晚餐時向別人讚美巴夫人的外貌，對方回予完全相反意見：

[On my] saying to Mme Galvani that she was pretty, 'No, not at all, said she, 'beaucoup plus laide que moi' ['uglier than me'], & that she look eight & thirty. Her skin & complexion were bad. I thought of all this when kissing her & thought it would not do for always. 她說巴夫人很漂亮，賈夫人卻批評「比我還醜」，說巴夫人看來像38歲，膚質很差．她親吻著巴夫人就想起這段話．這是感嘆好花不常在嗎？

巴夫人自己也感受到年齡的障礙．

11/12：She said she wondered how I could like an old woman as she was. I said if she really thought this, I ony hoped it was an argument in favour of what I had just said about my regard. 巴夫人很疑惑為什麼她會喜歡上像她這樣年紀的女人？

In stooping over her, the waist of my new gown hung off a little. She put her hand down on the left side, almost touchin the nipple of the breast, evidently wishing to feel it. She felt the stuffing but made no remark. I let her do it, observing I should hope to do the same. She did not much notice this but with a half no. She said it looked as if ready for anyone. I said for no one but herself, but she might do anything.她起身作勢制止巴夫人胡思亂想，剛好衣服腰際被扯緊，胸部線條顯露．巴夫人垂手幾乎碰觸她的粉暈．巴夫人感觸到她的挺起，沒有顯示任何表情．她也想對巴夫人回手，對方不置可否．巴夫人說她似乎蓄勢待發，她奉承只等巴夫人一人．

She begins to stand closer to me. I might easily press queer to queer. Our liking each other is now mutually understood and acknowledged. I asked her this morning how much she thought I liked her. She said as much as contented her & that was not a little. She would not refuse sleping with me if we could manage it well....巴夫人越靠越近，她順勢貼攏，倆人至此心意已明．她開始提出同床的要求.....

次日，Anne放下純潔無知的偽裝，開始講起追尋自我的心路歷程．

11/13：[I] said I had thought much, studied anatomy, etc. Could not find it out. Could not understand myself. It was all the effect of the mind. Noexterior formation accounted for it. Alluded to their begin an internal correspondence or likenes of some of the male or female organs of generation. Alluded to the stones not slipping thro' the ring till after birth, etc. She took all this very well, I said ladies could often hear from a man what they could not from a woman & she could from me what she could not from Mrs Mackenzie. She allowed this, saying it depended on how she loved them.　她思考了很久，還研究過解剖，根本找不到答案，不曉得自已為何和別人不一樣．她歸因於心理因素．可能性別在形成時，沒有區分出來．或許出生時，天命沒有配對好，就好像birth stone沒有對到正確的birth ring．常聽有些男仕提過，他們無法從女人身上得到滿足．她進一步說，巴夫人可以從她得到的滿足，卻不一定能從麥小姐得到．巴小姐認為這要依據她有多愛那一個人．

Got on the subject of Saffic regard. [I] said there was artifice in it. It was very different from mine & would be no pleasure to me. I liked to have those i loved near me as possible, etc. Asked if she understood. She said no. [I] told her I knew by her eyes she did & she did not deny it, therefore I know she understands all about the use of a----. Alluded to self-pollution, how much it was practised. Thought my connection with the ladies more excusable than this.　她接著提到女性之愛(不知她對於saffic的定義為何?），認為過於「人工化」（暗指假陽具），不符她的喜好．她喜歡儘量和對方親近．她問巴夫人是否了解她所指為何．巴夫人否認，但是她從對方眼神看出，巴夫人完全曉得假陽具的使用．

Happening to say I often told my uncle & aunt how I longed to have someone with me, she wondered what they would think of the person. I said my aunt knew nothing about it, nor would my uncle think anything. Then, expressing my wish to have her, she anwered, 'But we have had not priest but love. Do you not know the quotation?' I did not yet I said yes. 她常對姑丈和姑媽表示要找個女伴，兩位老人家並不反對，但對女女一事完全不懂．她便向巴夫人提議，巴夫人卻反應：「我們的結合，只有愛情而沒有神父的見證．妳聽過這句俗諺？」她根本沒聽過，卻硬是點頭．（＊Not priest but love，後來便成為Anne其中一本日記集的書名）

She told me before dinner I had given her a warm look the first morning she had come to call on me & she had remembered it ever since & always liked me.　原來巴夫人對她一見鍾情．她到達巴黎次日早餐，對巴夫人投以溫暖的眼神，從此喜歡上她．　

11/14：[I] became rather excited. Felt her breasts & queer a little. Tried to put my hand up her petticoat but she prevented. Touched her flesh just above the knee twice. I kissed her warmly & held her strongly. She said what a state I was putting myself into. She got up to go away & went to the door. I followed. 她繼續貼身進取的攻勢，巴夫人繼續阻止她的手在襯裙裡亂竄．最後巴夫人脫身退至門邊．她趕緊尾隨．

這段可以證明，巴夫人同並非不愛這個味。

Finding she lingered a moment, pressed her closely & again tried to put my hand up her petticoats. Finding that she would not let me do this but still that she was a little excited, I became regularly so myself. I felt her grow warm & she let me grubble & press her tightly with my left hand whilst I held her against the door with the other, all the while putting my tongue into her mouth & kissing her so passionately as to excite her not a little, I am sure.　其實巴夫人在門邊另闢戰場．兩人站著妳來我往，情緒越來越高昂，乾脆法式熱吻起來．

When it was over she put her handkerchief to her eyes &, shedding a few tears, said, 'You are used to these things, I am not.'　終於冷卻下來，巴夫人懊惱輕拭清淚，怪罪她之前裝清純：「妳根本就是箇中好手，但我不是」（怎麼把錯全推到對方身上）

I still therefore pressed her to let me in tomorrow before she was up, when Mrs Page [Mrs Barlow's servant] was gone with Miss Barlow to school. She would not promise. Asked me what I would do. I said teach her to love me better.....On leaving me, her face looked hot, her hair out of curl & herself languid, exactly as if after a connection had taken place....她仍在說服同床，提議巴夫人的僕人送小孩上學時，讓她溜進房裡．巴夫人一口回拒，又好奇她想做什麼？她說要教導她更好的技巧....巴夫人要離去時，她臉頰發燙，頭髮散亂，全身酸軟，好似真的經歷一場性事....

＊我猜想Anne腦子裡想的是這樣的畫面：

11/15：I contrived to ask if I had no hope of making her dearer to me before I went. She said, 'No, never, till we are married.' 'Oh,' said I, 'can nothing persuade you to anticipate?' 'No,' said she, 'I hope not. You would then leave me very unhappy.' 她不斷要求在她離開巴黎之前能更進一步．巴夫人堅持一定要在結婚之後．

I told her how she had changed me. I used to think I could not choose a woman who had had any experience & at first I could not bear to hear her name Colonel Barlow. Now I rather liked both these things.　她吐露一件心事．她以前認為不可能愛上曾有異性經驗的女人，更不敢想像她還掛著夫家的姓氏．現在她對這兩件事亳不在意．（Anne從這段感情獲得很大的自信，卻沒學會如個珍惜對方）

Anne的最大罩門在於她不知如何穿著體面。

11/17：She said the people stopt to stare at me. She thought it was my gown, it was so trumbled & shabby.　巴夫人說街上行人會駐足注視著她，因為她的衣著實在寒酸．

拜倫的作品一直是Anne追求女友的暗號。

11/18： I foolishly told her I meant to give her Lord Byron's works, She mentioned Galignani's edition, which I knew not of, & I must give it.　她開玩笑要送巴夫人一本拜倫的作品，巴夫人指名要Galignani的版本．她沒聽過，硬是點頭要送.

後來，她們真的同床了﹣﹣不過是同床午睡。

11/22：At twelve, got into bed with my flannel waistcoat, chemise, drawers, nigh-things, dressing-gown, stockings & boots on. At first, Mrs Barlow, who never left me till five, sat by my bedside. I then persuaded her to et in. I got my left leg & thigh quite between hers. Held her close. I think we both slept for a considerable while. 不知為何她正中午全身穿載齊全睡在床上。大概穿這麼多，沒有其他意圖的樣子，巴夫人跟著一起睡了午覺。

[I] said again & again I wished I could marry her. I would gladly do it at that moment, then I could have my own way. 她一而再表示要與巴夫人成婚．但一轉頭，她心知肚明不過是場面話，只為能為所欲為．

11/23：Poor soul! I begin to feel that I have really attached her & that I cannot find it in my heart to deceive her more.　她一時良心發現，覺得自己越來越喜歡巴夫人，不忍心欺騙對方．

Poor soul! How she is deceived. Why have I done this? I thought at first to succeed on my own terms, letting her know I was engaged. Then I could not acknowledge that Marianna loved me. I durst not say I was engaged to anyone else lest she should hereafter see me living with Marianna. For Marianna's sake I could not let her suspect anything & thus have I gone, from little to more, into this deceiving.　她承認讓巴夫人知道自己有婚約約是權益之計，但後來不敢明說那就是Marianna．將來巴夫人看到她和Marianna一起生活不就拆穿了？為了Marianna，她的謊言越扯越大．