Beyond the drama of Anne Lister：Part 7

The Game for Two

要說Anne Lister是個花心的人，有時不太公允．她知道貿然下手的風險，大部份時間僅止於耍嘴皮子，一付「色大膽小怕狗咬」，全等對方主動．她採取故作清純的策略，以靜制動．

巴夫人雖然結過婚，而且男伴不少，但女女潛力遠比我們想像的深厚．善用別人的同志傳聞，或是同志典故來試探，讓Anne暗自竊喜．巴夫人步步放寬親密界線，在小地方讓Anne吃儘甜頭，她認為破冰時刻，指日可待．

巴夫人的動機，除了感情因素，還有經濟的考量．而Anne對巴夫人的態度，卻非考量長期關係，而是貪圖短暫激情．我對Anne不太能諒解之處，她內心常常認為巴夫人別有企圖，但自己又心口不一致，給對方錯誤的期待．我比較古板，認為這樣為人有失厚道．

1824/10/14，巴夫人用法國皇后Marie Antoinette（瑪莉安東尼）的女女傳聞來測試Anne的態度：

Somehow she began talking of that one of the things of which Marie Antoinette was accused of was being too fond of women. I, with perfect mastery of countenance, said I had never heard of it before and could not understand or believe it. . . . I said I would not believe such a thing existed. （Anne面不改色，說是從沒聽過這等事．請注意，她並非指沒聽過瑪莉皇后的女女情，而是指從沒聽過西方曾有同志存在.....這也裝得太過火了！）

我不記得Sofia Coppola(蘇菲亞柯波拉)的作品《凡爾賽拜金女》曾有這段情節，還找出DVD重新再看一次．柯波拉小姐的青春搖滾詮釋招來白眼，不過她壓根沒想去招惹瑪莉皇后雙性戀的爭議．

當時有本未授權回憶錄用諷刺的方式提到她的女女偏好，有興趣者可詳見：Rictor Norton (Ed.), Memoirs of Antonina [Marie Antoinette] 1791", Homosexuality in Eighteenth-Century England: A Sourcebook, 24 July 2002.

我對這本書略有保留．畢竟法國大革命的氛圍對瑪莉皇后極不友善．女女偏好可能是抹黑她的手段之一．就算她真是雙性戀，她的情慾私領域亦會跟著她的歷史評價一起陪葬．

Mrs Barlow said it was mentioned in scripture, not in the New Testament not Deuteronomy, nor Leviticus. I said I believe that when reduced to the last extremity — I was going to mention the use of phalli but luckily Mrs Barlow said, 'You mean two men being fond of each other?' & I said 'Yes' . . .（巴夫人馬上拆穿，聖經裡早有提及同志，她怎麼會不知道．Anne正準備辯解，剛好巴夫人接話，那是指男人喜歡男人....）

I declared I was the most innocent person in the world concerning all I had seen & heard, for everybody told me things. She said she should not have mentioned it but she knew she was not telling me anything I did not know before. I said I read of women being too fond of each other in the Latin parts of the works of Sir William Jones. . . . （Anne故作清純，這些不正經的事都是別處聽來、看來的．巴夫人才不理會她的清純無知說．Anne只好提到，在威廉瓊斯的作品中看到一些女女情事．）

In fact, she suspected me and she was fishing to find it out but I think I was too deep for her. . . . She is a deepish hand & I think, would not be sorry to gain me over, but I shall be on my guard..（Anne懷疑巴夫人故意套問她，慶幸自己城府夠深．她開始產生被迫害妄想症，警覺不要陷入巴夫人的圈套．）

Anne對巴夫人又怕又愛，喊了幾百遍要小心，還不是自投羅網．反正Anne就喜歡和巴夫人聊天．次日，巴夫人繼續出擊，連女同小說都出現了．

10/15：She then shewed me the little book the gentleman had left here for her, 'Voyage a Plombieres', P.126, where is the story of one woman intriging with another. She has lent me the book....（巴夫人拿出一本別的男客送給她的小說，其中便有描述到一段女同故事．我很好奇，那本書有沒有收錄到Fingersmith李老先生的索引裡．）

Anne不斷強調自已注重純友誼，同時很技巧地拋出一段話恭維巴夫人：

[I] said I was half in love with Mlle de Sans but if I had appointed to go with her & was with Mrs Barlow, I could not keep the appointment. But if sitting with Mlle de Sans I could leave her to go to Mrs Barlow. Mrs Barlow has more tact, more power over me.....（她對珊小姐的情份只有五成，如果與珊小姐有約，卻在巴夫人身旁，她可不想離開；如果與巴夫人有約，卻在珊小姐身旁，她會抽身赴約．因為巴夫人對她的影響力更大.....嘴巴真甜啊！）

I joked & said if I was my father's son I shold be sure I was in love with her - should know what was the matter with me. She said I was crazy, at the same time looking as if she wished to mead me on. [I] laughed & said I was not a accustomed to this sort of thing - should take pills or salts, etc.（Anne繼續天花亂墬，如果她是男兒身，一定會拜倒在巴夫人裙下．巴夫人樂得回灌迷湯．Anne故意承受不起，說要嗅鹽還是吞藥來提神醒腦．Anne真是交際高手，兩人的對話好像在MSN的打情罵俏．）

但同時間，她的理智又不斷提醒自己，巴夫人越靠越近了，懷疑她是何居心？

.....She sat next me in the evening & every now  & then I felt her near me, touching me. My knees, my toes or something.....（晚上相談，巴夫人常常貼近而坐，碰碰Anne的膝蓋，摸摸她的腳趾....天曉得還有那個部位？）

I really must be on my guard. What can she mean? Is she really amoureuse? This from a widow & mother like her is more than I could have thought of. I am safer with Mlle de Sans.....I keep telling her she is too deep, too knowing, for me.....She had said before, this house was a little world & I should think so if I had seen all she had. I begin to think so already.（Anne認為要小心．誰知道巴夫人的真正企圖？巴夫人可以成為情人嗎？Anne從沒考慮過寡婦而且是一個孩子的媽．和珊小姐在一起比較安全吧．Anne一直告訴巴夫人，她的境界太高了，高攀不起．而且巴夫人提過，這個旅館人多嘴雜，Anne應該多打探對方底細．）

巴夫人出招，Anne怯懦不應：

10/17：She put her arm round me. I might have kissed her but contented myself with shaking hands.（巴夫人圍抱她，Anne心想親回去，卻雙手發抖不敢動．）

終於有了第一個吻，只是過程有點辛苦：

10/19：Lord bless me, 'tis plain enough she would not allow me to go on in this manner, nor would she put herself so in my way if she did not like it. Just before her going, I put my arm round her waist & tried to pull her on my knee, she resisted & I gave up & apologized. I asked if she was angry as she went out. She said, 'No', & was giving me her lips to kiss when she recollected & suddenly turned her cheek, which I kissed, saying ' Why did you not do as you were going to do?' I had told her before I wished she could stay all night with me & if she wre at Shibden she could, to which she made no objection.....（其實巴夫人已鋪好紅地毯，只是Anne一直猶豫如何走上去．終於，Anne在巴夫人準備離去的關鍵時刻，她伸手環抱對方的腰想拉來坐在膝上．我覺得這個招式有點突兀，巴夫人第一個反應並沒有順從．Anne只好道歉問對方有沒有生氣．巴夫人大概是認為笨拙吧．換成由她作勢要吻，卻突然半途轉面，Anne則趁機親上她的臉頰．Anne問她，妳怎麼不做完要吻我的動作呢？她曾對巴夫人提到，如果妳在我的老家，我會要求妳整晚和我在一起．在一起做什麼？之前Anne提起過夜，可能是指促膝長談．後來不斷提起過夜，就沒那麼簡單．）

10/20： ....She observed my wedding ring. [I] said this ought to bind me but this was pure friendship & I began to dread the influence that was greater.（巴夫人注意到Anne手上的訂情戒子，Anne推說那是純友誼－－鬼才相信．她開始擔心這會壞了好事．不過，事後Anne會發現那是離開巴夫人的好藉口．）

I perpetually plead my want of vanity to persuade myself it is possible for her to care for me. She little knows who she has to deal with. Before all this, I had laughed & joked & declared I would go to Italy and try the experiment, that is, get a woman there. She knew what I meant -（Anne不斷以滿足自我虛榮來，說服自己，深信巴夫人會愛上她．因為巴夫人根本不知交手的是何許人物．她對巴夫人開玩笑，會去義大利好好實驗．「實驗」的意思是去找個女人．我不懂為什麼是義大利，好像所有「敗德」情慾都發生在義大利．）

她們開始有過火的小動作，而且巴夫人最愛在情敵珊小姐的跟前偷偷進行：

10/21：While with Mlle de Sans, she (Mrs Barlow) let me have my hand up her petticoats almost to her knee. At last, she whispered, 'Do not yet.' She afterwards let me do it nearly as high. She had before taken away her legs once or twice but always put them back again. （晚餐時，Anne坐在巴夫人和珊小姐之間．巴夫人讓她的手伸進襯裙內摸到膝蓋．巴夫人一度低語制止她，但還是讓她起手．巴夫人有時承受不了，雙腿開展過一兩回，但最後還是回到淑女的坐姿.....哎呀，追求激情不是年輕人的特權，新戀情永遠讓人回復青春．）

正以為她們漸入佳境，兩人突然煞車，覺得發展太快：

10/22：Said I felt quite ashamed of myself. Was determined to get the better of the thing & insinuated it would be Mrs Barlow's fault if I behaved foolishly again....Was not accustomed to this sort of folly. （Anne說自己少不更事，把責任推到巴夫人，都是她引誘小女子啦．）

巴夫人改採以進為退的策略，她也希望關係正常化，能有個正當名份：

10/25：At last she said she was low. I asked why. She seemed ready to cry & said she thought she, too, was a little crazy....At last she said, 'If I adored you I would not live with you in this way. I would rather marry you.'....She said she could not bear to lose her own esteem & I should not love long what I did not respect. （巴夫人開始憂心忡忡，擔心這種激情不能常久，不被珍惜，於是提議結婚．哇，那時候的婚姻觀挺先進的．）

巴夫人認為同性婚姻可行，當時反而是Anne推三阻四，完全不像最後與Ann Walker結婚的氣勢．：

I owned this. 'But,' said I, 'if I could propose your settling at Shibden &, of course, made you understand on what terms?' 'Oh,' said she, 'I must be respected by the world.' 'So you would,' said I. 'Well but,' said she, 'what would your friends [think]?' 'Oh,' said I, 'only that you were a new friend. I could easily manage this.' 'Ah,' 'said she, 'that I would not like. It would have been better had you been brought up as your father's son.' I said, 'No, you mistake me. It would not have done at all. I could not have married & should have been shut out from ladies' society. I could not have been with you as I am.' 'But,' said she, 'you would have taken your chance with the rest.' She meant of gentlemen. （Anne很好奇巴夫人對於被帶進門的意義為何？噢，她會感到被尊重．可是巴夫人反問妳的親友會怎麼想？Anne馬上變膽小，只敢佯裝是普通朋友，容易矇混過去．巴夫人不太滿意，妳得像個男人扛起來啊．Anne趕快解釋，妳高估我了，這完全辦不到．我不可能和妳結婚，我會被逐出仕女圈．以現在的我，不可能和妳長相廝守．巴夫人這下沒有安全牌，指著Anne：妳將來可能會找個男人嫁了．）

那一天，巴夫人幾乎要以眼淚收場，Anne被迫離去．次日當兩人走在杜樂莉公園，她提到第一眼看到Anne，以為是位男士：

10/26：She said I astonished Mme Galvani at first, who once or twice said to the Mackenzies she thought I was a man & the Macks too had wondered. Mrs Barlow herself had thought at first wished to imitate the manners of a gentleman but now she knows me better, it was not put on. （Anne剛到旅館，至少有兩位房客誤以為她是男士．巴夫人誤會Anne是在模仿男士的舉止，後來進一步認識，才放棄那種想法．按照現代的說法，這就是T的特質．）

She said she was low. She longed to have a home. [I] reminded her she might marry when she likes. She said she might if she had not shut herself up so many years. She likes attention & had not much from the men tonight. After waiting a while she said nobody had given her a word. Of course I gave her one directly. She would not suit me. I would tire of her - but flirting with her amuses me now.（晚上，巴夫人情緒低落，她坦言想要擁有家庭．Anne回嘴，只要妳想要就去找個歸宿．巴夫人則說自己封閉已久，引不起別人的注意．於是Anne就陪她打情罵俏．但Anne的內心再度出現可怕的獨白：她根本不適合我．有天我會厭倦她，但是現在和她調情讓我有點樂子.....唉，這不太厚道．）

這個旅館的確人多嘴雜，沒多久Anne聽到有關巴夫人的流言：

10/29： ....M. de Bellevue whispered to her the other night, 'Saint Enis touch', according to the sound, meaning sly, a saint in public but not in private.....'Well,' said I to myself, 'what hands have I got into? How to get out again? let this be a lesson for the future.'（哇，人前是聖女，人後是蕩婦！嚇得Anne緊張，為什麼招惹到這號人物？怎麼脫身？如何反範未然？）

Anne後來遇到巴夫人，用了一個很啼笑皆非的例子，間接說明她不會娶巴夫人－－因為Anne也很喜歡珊小姐，但就是不會娶對方：

Should have been in love with her(珊小姐) if I had been a man, but would not have married her. Would only have married an Englishwoman. Would not mix the blood......I was proud of my country.（如果我是男人，我會愛上珊小姐，但我不會娶她，只會娶英國女人．我不會混淆血統....我很熱愛祖國．天呀，Anne是被嚇壞腦筋嗎，這是什麼爛理由？）

What would Marianna say to all this if she knew? I am indeed unable, it seems, to take care of myself with women. I am always getting into some scrape with them. If Mrs Barlow did not like me she would not let me talk & do as I do. But no more, I shall be in the mire if I don't take care. （Anne突然想念起Marianna，難怪會被對方看扁．Anne承認不會應付女人，老是陷入麻煩．但她也認為巴夫人是喜歡她，才會讓她為所欲為．最後又提醒自己千萬要小心．）

其實，喊再多小心都沒有用：

11/3：In wishing her goodnight she quietly let me put my arms around her waist & gently press her & very gently kiss her. She stood, too, with her right thigh a little within my left, in contact - which she has never permitted before. She likes me certainly.（道別的時候，牽牽小手，親親一吻...都不算什麼．巴夫人同意她越線近身：兩人雙腿互相交錯貼近....）

11/4：[Mrs Barlow] often looks at my gold rings & just presses them on my finger. She had done so tonight. Said I, 'I know you often think of those rings. Perhaps you attach too much importance to them & i too little.' She asked if I had described the friend who gave them. I somehow said, 'No.' 'Ah,' said she, 'she is your dearest friend. You told me it was Mrs Lawton. You told me wrong then.' To this I mad no answer....（巴夫人覺得Anne的戒子很礙眼，直追問贈送者的來歷．Anne本想閃躲，卻被猜中就是Marianna．）

What Would Marianna say? She has not written to me of too long.（典型地找舊愛討論新歡．Anne納悶老情人為何都沒來信，趕快寫信來，可有個人商量！）

她們又討論起是否適合結婚，巴夫人自謙條件不好，配不上Anne．可是Anne用了另一種邏輯，既能安撫巴夫人，又能免於自己被逼婚．

11/5：....'But there are two, & only two, things. You have been married - you must make comparisons. it is impossible you should love me well enough. And there is the thought of those rings, which does come across my conscience. But you could not love me well enough. You must make comparisons.' She merely answered, 'You do not know me.'.....I said the best thing for me would be her marrying.（我們不適合結婚的原因有兩點：妳結過婚，會比較，不可能愛我多過前夫；妳比我還會惦記我的戒子，妳一定會計較，不可能多愛我一點．巴夫人雖然想反駁，Anne一句話想打死結婚的念頭：妳嫁個好人家，對妳我都好．）

Anne要巴夫人再嫁，不表示她就了無慾望，而是手照摸，臉照親：

11/7： Kissed her in a little dark passage as we came out of the dining room. She let me kiss her now very quietly & sits with her feet close to mine....If I had a penis, tho' of but small length, I should surely break the ice some of these times, before I go.（兩人常常把握機會搞小動作，例如經過一段光線不亮的穿廊就偷親一下．兩人靠近坐著，腳就偷偷挨著．Anne暗自得意，她要是有個陽具，在離開巴黎之前，一定能破冰而出．好個登徒子的心聲?）

和珊小姐等人一同去看戲，Anne和巴夫人一找到機會就摸摸茶：

11/9：Under our shawls, had my arm round her waist great part of the time.（在影集一開場，Anne與披著長巾的Marianna在林中牽手．在巴黎，趁著披巾掩飾之便，Anne一路挽著巴夫人的柳腰而行．）

11/10：I asked if she would burn my letters [if they corresponded at a later date]. She said she would do whatever I asked her. I thanked her, saying I would then write more at ease, assured that she would destroy all that it might be imprudent to keep.（Anne沒有教導巴夫人學會暗號，於是她要求巴夫人如果未來雙方通信，請把她的信件燒掉，免得擔心有後遺症，無法暢所欲言．唉，其實Anne對巴夫人從頭到尾就不想有「後遺症」．）

Speaking of her good figure & pretty hand and of her foot, asked her to let me span her ancle. She refused. I said I was contented she should refuse me this now but could not bear it if we were always together. 'Oh,' said she, 'then it would be a different thing.' She now stands nearer to me when I kiss her, yet she always withdraws the moment it becomes that I am excited. She certainly know how to gain one's affections.　（Anne正在讚賞巴夫人的好身材，突然要求握握對方的足踝．人家當然拒絕．Anne大言不慚，現在被拒沒關係，如果未來在一起，會令人受不了．巴夫人回答，到那時候當然就不一樣．在這個階段，她還能夠欲擒故縱：Anne親吻她時，靠近一點，但當Anne開始興奮便抽身而去．Anne知道這種撩撥的遊戲．等到Anne的慾望越來越強烈，巴夫人根本無從拒絕，只能一起捲入慾火．）