Beyond the drama of Anne Lister：part 4

1821年，Mariana的弟弟Steph家中的小女兒要受洗，請她們兩位一同擔任Godparents，兩人再度有幾天相聚的機會．這一段的日記比去年相會更加高潮迭起，濃情蜜意，或許是甜蜜過了頭，樂極生悲。　

7/22：Mariana's coming made me rather nervous & I therefore took two glasses of wine after dinner. （真不敢相信，Anne等待Mariana到達，竟然興奮到要喝點酒鎮定心情。）

She & I sat up talking. Gave her to read the copy of my poetic epistle to Harriet Milne. She feared it was not severe enough & then told me all about her conduct with Captain Wallace of the Fourth Dragoon Guards. Find it worse than I heard of before. Louisa has none or little doubt of her having been connected with him. The man's name whom she appointed to meet her at the rooms last winter but one was Blake, Mariana thinks. I am thoroughly convinced of Mariana's attachment & devotion to me & have said all to comfort & reconcile her to our situation （她們見面談論的第一件事居然是姊姊搞七捻三的緋聞。兩人最後慶幸彼此心有所屬，忠誠相對，和那幫人亂七八糟的情況不同。那時候倆人對愛情充滿著信心．)

7/23：We talked all last night & only closed our eyes to dose about half-hour just before getting up. Went to Mariana but somehow did not manage a good kiss. Refused to promise till I had really felt that she was my wife. Went to her a second time. Succeeded better & then bound ourselves to each other by an irrevocable prom [is] e for ever, in pledge of which turned on her finger the gold ring I gave her several years ago & also her wedding ring which had not been off her finger since her marriage. She seems devoted to me & I can & shall trust her now ．（Anne大概是悶壞了，Mariana第一天剛到就急著求歡．第一次不成，就再試第二次．老實說，Mariana對二條支線的平行婚姻是同樣忠誠的．不但戴著Charlse的婚戒，亦戴著Anne的情戒．）

It has occurred to me, can Charles have given her a venereal affection（這神來一筆把人嚇壞了！）

沒錯，Charles和僕人偷情染上性病，結果傳染給Mariana．她向醫生弟弟求診，但還沒治癒，接著就傳染給Anne．後來Anne一直在尋求治療的方法，她試過陰道灌洗，水蛭放血．1824年還遠赴巴黎，除了旅遊的目的，還有一個原因就是求醫．性病一事可能讓她與Mariana的關係蒙上陰影．再加上Mariana後來嫌棄她外表越來越中性，她決定另尋發展．我不確定她在巴黎獲得根治，但性病一事並沒有阻礙她和別的女人上床．那個時代還不太流行safe sex的觀念．

7/24：Two last night, or three. Mariana & I seize every moment we are left alone together to assure each other & talk of days to come...... Came upstairs about 11 - Sat up lovemaking. Mariana loves & seems devoted to me entirely & my heart is thoroughly hers -（充分利用時機，早也做，晚也做）

7/25：Two last night (一次不夠，兩次才行）

7/26：Two last night (一天不夠，兩天才行）

7/27：In spite of my cousin's appearance last night just at bedtime, we both being excited as we sat talking at my dressing table, undressed & got into bed before my hair was curled & had two good kisses both together, that is, without having separated. Had a quarter hour's nap. I then left Mariana in bed & got up & curled & on returning to her, had another good kiss - Harriet has had a bad sick headache, & not been able to come down stairs till evening - This left Mariana & me a glorious day to ourselves & we have enjoyed it.（別人來打攪，影響不了她們的興致；別人不在場，更能如魚得水．PS：Anne是自已捲頭髮）

Charles has thought of buying an estate for Mariana close to Lawton that would bring her in three hundred a year. He would give it her to do as she likes with. He often talks of going first as a thing of course.（開始談到嚴肅話題．Charles答應買下另一個莊園，以便他過世後，Mariana有地方棲身，而且仍有300英鎊的年俸）

He is ruptured & has worn a truss ever since they were last in town when he consulted Doctor Nearney, a sort of quack practitioner tho' a regularly bred surgeon. He thought, on examining Charles, that he had only one testicle, which Mariana inclines to believe, tho' the man who brought & put on the truss said Nearney had been mistaken （話題一轉，講到Charles有疝氣的毛病，所以要用縛帶．有個庸醫診斷他，認為他只有一顆睪丸．Charles完全否認，而賢淑端莊的Mariana認為醫生所言甚是．這段話或許佐證Charles後來無法生育．但是Mariana「懷疑」丈夫可能只有一顆睪丸一事，令人驚覺她在房事似乎沒有幸福可言．）

Came upstairs about 11 & sat up as usual talking - Told Mariana I had saved seventy pounds & had sixty in the bank （Anne一直在意經濟獨立，她為未來的倆人世界努力存下70英鎊．唉，她馬上會了解，繼承遺產和婚姻結合是累積財富最直接的方法．）

7/28：Three last night, one after another without once separating - - Mariana & I talked matters over. We have agreed to solemnize our promise of mutual faith by taking the sacrament together when we next meet at Shibden, not thinking it proper to use any still more binding ceremony during Charles' life.（相較於影片中的Mariana不願與Anne一同去教堂作禮拜，她們倆人卻是共同決定要在Shibden一起領聖體，用以偷渡她們忠貞誓言的見證．雖然不具約束法力，不過我是真的同情她們曾經為這份感情所做的努力．）

Talked matters thoroughly over during our walk. I should live with my aunt. If Marian does not marry she must have a home with us & I thought I could eventually make up fifteen hundred a year. Charles will probably make up Mariana's income eight. She never thought of herself in a family way but once, just before Mrs Smith left her.（她們又談論起更遙遠的事情．例如Charles死後，Mariana沒有婚約的狀態，應該和Anne及她的姑媽一起合住．Anne估算自己有1500英鎊年收入，Charles可能會給Mariana一年800英鎊....一切都是沒有Charlse之後的生活藍圖，但是夢想終未實現．）

One thing or other led to what I never heard before, that she parted with the membrane of virginity about a fortnight after she was married. Both Charles & she saw it on the sheet.（這是另一個閨房秘辛．Mariana表示她與Charles圓房二週後才出現破處的徵兆．聽起來有點不可思議，真不曉得Mariana的房事怎麼出這麼多狀況．）

在日記中，Anne不斷地提到Charles死後的生活藍圖．我們不禁要問，這場婚事到底是誰主導？學者Fiona Brideoake寫道：

"While Lister anticipated inheriting her family’s estate, the woman she termed her wife possessed few prospects of financial independence. As Lister was yet to gain financial autonomy, she encouraged Mariana to enter into a pragmatic marriage with Charles Lawton, a widowed Cheshire landowner, in March 1816......Mariana became increasingly uneasy over their anticipation of her husband’s demise"

簡言之，她認為Anne準備繼承家業前，便希望未來的太太要有經濟基礎，可惜Mariana經濟能力不足，於是Anne「鼓勵」對方接受那場務實的婚姻，期望Charles早早撒手人寰，得到遺產．但是Mariana對於未來計劃全繫於Charles去世，越來越覺得不妥．　

這是與影片完全不一樣的角度，呈現更複雜的Anne Lister. 但你不能否認她曾經深愛著對方．在1822年7月的日記，Anne抱怨沒有得到應有的重視：

When I asked [Mariana] how long it might be before we got together [. . .] she seemed to fight off answering [. . .]. She seemed as fond of me as ever, yet all the night when I was almost convulsed with smothering my sobs, she took no notice, nor was affected at all apparently.（問她何時可以在一起，她似乎避開不答，當我哭得痛徹心扉，她視而不見，聽而不聞．）

有個有趣的插曲．1822年，Anne和姑媽出遊，造訪當時一對女女同居不婚的傳奇人物"Ladies of Llangollen"（詳見我之前：Queer Women in classical art : 8 的介紹）

Anne從兩位前輩的生活投射出她與Mariana未來的圖像．"Ladies of Llangollen"以柏拉圖式的女性結盟傳為美談，後代學者便與Anne-Walker的婚姻兩相比對．如果有興趣進一步了解，可參見Fiona Brideoake所寫：“Extraordinary Female Affection”: The Ladies of Llangollen and the Endurance of Queer Community

倆人的濃情蜜意在Scarborough濱海旅館幽會之後有了戲劇性的轉折．這段故事在紀錄片有生動的介紹，當時屋外雷雨交加，恐懼讓倆人靠得更近，後來恐懼轉換成興奮，變成催情性愛．紀錄片引用Anne的日記：

At first we thought someone was breaking into the house, but the continuance of the noises and the pattering of rain soon ushered in a tremendous thunder storm very vivid, fast succeeding flashes of lightning enlightened the whole room.

隔一天，Mariana彷彿仲夏之夜大夢初醒，曾經如癡如狂的情人變成像長了鬍鬚的女人．東昇的朝陽照亮了她的地下戀情，讓秘密無處躲藏，註定分手的命運．

Mariana的恐同情結後來在影片出現了一句最常被引用的台詞："I would rather die than our connection be known! （我寧死不讓別人知道我們的關係）"　

"Come out" 的歧見在200年前是同性戀人分手原因之一，即使在200年後的今天依然威力不減．如果"Ladies of Llangollen"真是一對同性戀人，她們的幸福奠基於彼此相同的默契上．

Anne離開Mariana之後，是否如影片描述立刻找到Ann Walker作為終生伴侶？當然歷史沒有那麼單純，影片省略了Anne遠赴巴黎的經歷：她發生了另一段戀情和一場文化震撼，在尋求終生伴侶的過程中，她也不小心找錯了幾個對象．同志一生的愛情故事常常驚心動魄，充滿酸甜苦辣．更何況是二百年前的拉子．

當大家以為Mariana要淡出這個故事了，我們先跳到1832/5/20的日記．那時候的Anne已經四十出頭，不再年輕，她從1824~1832年花了那麼多時間找尋伴侶的努力完全失敗，經濟開始出現問題，還未與Ann Walker交往，正處在心情最低潮的階段．

她在日記寫下與Mariana通信的摘要．在字裡行間可以感覺到，她與Mariana的激情或許不再，但是從沒有停止關心和掛念．Anne感念對方捎來的隻字片語，在這悲慘的時刻帶來幾許寬慰．

"In my letter to M- said how much she would be in my thoughts. "God grant that care and that unruffle some state of mind you have been able to attain may be more beneficially efficacious than you dare, at this moment, persuade yourself! You so kindly set at rest my scruples as to the folly of writing you a worthless, stamped letter - I shall be more modest in future - repeating as usual that I would rather have 1/2 dozen words of any sort from you, than no letter at all. Thank you for all the cheering ones [ie words] in this last [letter] - I will not, and do not, despair of myself - you know what of all you said to me, I dwelt upon most, and you will be convinced of having the influence you wish & ought to have, when I assure you of my being satisfied......"

有那麼一會兒，你真會希望她們能言歸於好．但是兩人有不同的期望，破鏡難圓．最後終於出現了Ann Walker.....